As we meander into the now much celebrated day of the Valentine on February 14, we are reminded of how meaningful it is to love and be loved. In search of relationships from which we hope to experience love, we usually proceed in either of two directions, and in some cases hedge our bets by hopping from one to the other.
The first path can be taken either consciously or unconsciously where the relationship is there primarily for comfort and security. It is a dream or fantasy of love.
There is an attempt to shape the relationship to allay any insecurity against life’s ever-changing nature. It tries to hold onto ideas and habits that provide predictability, certainty and safety. Underpinning this way of relating we often find fear and doubt in one or both individuals.
The second path doesn’t rely on comfort and security as givens, but views these as earned rewards from challenge and growth through relating. They belong primarily to the individual who continues to develop them internally by becoming more alive to themselves. This path views love as an adventure. The reality of impermanence in life is not denied so that
what is there becomes precious rather than taken for granted.
The richest flavours of love are found in relationships that are allowed to unfold through life’s unpredictability and in the joy of making new discoveries. The partners don’t try to fit the
relationship into a previewed fantasy but feast on the unknown possibilities. On this path the individuals believe they are ever growing into all they can be and that it is these
challenges along the way, that relationships definitely
provide, from which they find inner resources to keep the relationship alive. The couple participates in their relationship, learning to use each difficulty as an opportunity to know themselves better and shape themselves from their discovered strengths and weaknesses. This is conscious commitment and to be truly in it we must remain awake to what is going on
and be prepared to give it intelligent attention.
It is in conscious commitment that relationships have the greatest opportunity to find success in love. Finding Success in Love through Conscious Commitment. The following capacities will be tested but remember they are, more often than not, developed along the way through the ups and downs, stepping forward and back. Uncertainty about whether we can handle the challenges is not a problem, for it is part of the path.
Curiosity and Honesty about why you want to be in a relationship. Know and Understand what your partner wants. Believe in and Value the relationship for similar reasons.
To go beyond “ME FIRST”. Can you listen whilst holding onto your own feelings and reactivities?
Willingness to feel uncomfortable & an awareness that this is an important part of the process.
Willingness to be seen, warts and all.
A healthy capacity to Respect the other as well as yourself.
Flexibility in change, eg, having children shifts all the parameters of a couple!
An ongoing personal development of values & beliefs.
Willingness to sharpen your tools of talk.
These are a few of the important capacities and each couple will discover more.
YOUMEWE
Counselling Individual & Couple
DENA THOMPSON 0438811117
Creating Relationship Awareness